My Dearest Little Bear

"To love at all is to be vulnerable." 

                                                                                                    C.S Lewis

Koda, today you turn seven. Seven! Where has the time gone?

Much has happened in my life since you were born. I've been living the life you helped inspire. It's a life I hope you can someday view with pride.

I miss you. I carry you with me every day in my heart and mind and I miss you.

I see so much of you in Miriam and James. It makes me feel like you're here with me. I can't explain the joy that brings me or how it increases my love for the three of you tenfold.

I've been busy with this life of mine. I'm afraid that since moving out-of-state I haven't been there for you enough. I don't really know what that means given our peculiar family dynamic, but the fear is there and I can't shake it.

You have an amazing family and you exude happiness. Your mom and dad are perfect for you. God knew what he was doing when He helped me find them. I can't imagine your life, or mine, without your little brothers. Their birthmoms, all of your aunts, uncles, and cousins... You belong to a beautifully large and unique family and you're loved by everyone in it and then some. I know you will never doubt their love for you and I pray with every fibre of my being that you'll never doubt mine either.

I have loved you since before you were even born and I always will. Always. Happy Birthday, my dearest Little Bear.

Upcoming holidays (and I'm now "early term?")

"Reality is not neat, not obvious, 

not what you expect."

                                                                                            C.S. Lewis

There are two holidays coming up this weekend that are always fraught with emotion; Birth Mother's and Mother's Day.

Both are bittersweet for many (or plain bitter).

For those of you who don't know, Birth Mother's Day is celebrated the Saturday before Mother's Day. I think it's obvious why this holiday is difficult for those it affects. It's a topic I generally try to avoid if I don't really know someone because there are strong opinions on both sides and it's extremely emotionally charged. ***If this holiday does upset you, proceed with caution.***

I recently asked a dear friend of mine, another birthmom, how she felt about Birth Mother's Day and the fact that it's not celebrated the same day as Mother's Day. She said, "It doesn't really bother me. I've always looked at it as Birth Mother's Day comes first because we were their mother first." I've never personally had an issue with Birth Mother's Day existing or being on a different day than Mother's Day, but I think her perspective is beautiful and it helped me appreciate the holiday even more. Thanks, friend!

The issue I've had with both holidays is that they can be, and have been, painful. In my experience post placement, before I had children of my own, I felt stuck in limbo. On Birth Mother's and Mother's Day I wanted to be remembered, but I simultaneously didn't want to remember, and I didn't know how I wanted to be remembered. I wanted to be a mother and was wrestling with feeling like a mother, but not really, and that was greatly exasperating. It was complicated, to say the least.

I thought those feelings would go away once Mr. P and I were fortunate enough to have children of our own, but that didn't abolish them. It's different for sure, but something peculiar still remains.

In his book Ender's Game, Orson Scott Card writes:

". . . some people say they have a feeling of something missing. You'll keep looking 

around for something, something you were looking for, but you can't find it, 

and you can't remember what it is. So I'll tell you. It's the monitor you're 

looking for, and it isn't there. In a few days that feeling will pass."

I feel like that's a pretty accurate description of how it feels to be a birthmom for me sometimes, only the feeling doesn't pass after a few days. It's not necessarily bad and fortunately it's not constant, but it is does linger.

I do think the experience of adoption is getting better as a whole. There's been a lot of improvement in the adoption world and there are many great men and women who are working hard to constantly improve the lives of all those involved.

In my group of adoption friends, we commiserate on Birth Mother's Day. It's bittersweet and we like to support each other. Some years there seems to be more pain and tears shared, but we always celebrate the lives of the children we placed, their families, and the relationships we've gained along the way. There's something healing about talking freely with other women (and men) who understand the vicissitudes of placement. There's A LOT of love.

"Love is unselfishly choosing for another's highest good." C.S. Lewis

Mother's Day can be equally difficult and I believe that's becoming more obvious as well. Not all mothers get to hold all, or any, of their children on Mother's Day. Not all women who want to be mothers have children yet due to infertility or various other reasons. Not everyone has a good relationship with their mother (or their children). Some mothers, old and young, have passed away. The list goes on.

Point is, there are probably several people in each of our lives, whether we're aware of what they're experiencing or not, who'll feel a deluge of (possibly negative or painful) emotions this weekend. I don't think Mother's Day, or Birth Mother's Day, should be cancelled or celebrated any less because of that, but I do think it would be kind for us to include more women.

Let us honor the women who have their children in their arms, those who have lost children, those who want children, and the mothers who have passed on.

This year, and every year, let us "rejoice with them who do rejoice, and weep with them that weep" (Romans 12:15). You won't regret it.

Depending on who you talk to, I'm either still pre-term, early-term, or full-term now. I'll take either one. I thought my next appointment was tomorrow, but turns out it was this morning! Baby J looks perfectly healthy, is measuring a week ahead, and is officially head down! Woohoo!

How far along: 36 weeks. 28 days to go and I'm in "get this baby out" mode. You want to go walking with me me? Hiking? Know of any good, long staircases I can climb?

Sleep: Yes, please. I'm still sleeping soundly at night, but most days I feel like I need a nap around noon. The nap doesn't always happen, but the nighttime sleep does, thank goodness.

Movement: I think he wants out. I'm cool with that.

Cravings: Nothing really, but I ate my weight in delicious Indian food and ice cream for my birthday yesterday so that could be why. I could go for more Indian food, but I think that's a me thing and not related to pregnancy.

Symptoms: Heartburn if I eat too much. I use the restroom a lot. Holding it has become risky.

Belly button: Half and half some days and I love it!

Signs of labor: Sort of, but nothing serious. False labor signs. I know I still have plenty of time left.

Worst moment of the week: Probably peeing my pants. Yeah, that sounds about right.

Best moment of the week: My birthday and the ultrasound today. We got adorable photos of J sucking on his fingers and I love him.

What I'm looking forward to: Zoo this weekend and my next appointment which is only a week away since I officially go weekly now!

Size of baby: Baby J is now about 6-6 1/2 lbs and could be more than 18 1/2 inches long, about the size of a head of romaine lettuce (or a papaya or honeydew melon again). Since he's measuring a week ahead he might be bigger. I really have no idea.

Milestones: Baby J's systems are pretty much mature at this point and he's working on perfecting them. Every day he stays in the better. Lanugo and vernix caseosa are shedding. The end is near.

The Bump:

Over n' out. Love y'all. 

35 Weeks

"My beloved is mine, and I am his: 

he feedeth among the lilies."

                                                                                                           Song of Solomon 2:16

35 weeks today and I'm feeling at peace again. My baby shower was this past Saturday and going through all of the cute baby stuff really helped calm my nerves. I can't wait to hold our son and I'm looking forward to introducing him to Miss M.

Speaking of my baby shower, it went great! I was nervous because I still don't know many people in our ward, but there was a great turn out and I was able to get to know the women better which is exactly what I was looking for. I was blown away by how many people came and by their generosity. Mr. P and I are incredibly grateful for all of the love and support that we've received. A BIG shout-out to my mom and my visiting teachers for putting together such a lovely shower.

This week Mr. P and I will be celebrating our six-year anniversary. I can't believe it's already been six years! Even though I had a huge crush on Mr. P when I first met him ten years ago, I never thought we'd be husband and wife one day. We've experienced so much together; the good, bad, sacred, and beautiful.

It's hard to imagine where I would be or who I'd be with if I chose not to write him on his mission and stay in contact. Maybe it's hard to imagine because I don't imagine that often. Why would I?
It hasn't always been easy, no marriage is, but I'm happy I'm his and he's mine. Our trials have brought us closer together and if I ever had to go through any of the things we've experienced together again, Mr. P is the one I'd want holding my hand.

I'm grateful that we get to be Mr. and Mrs. P for eternity because it would be terribly heartbreaking for the love we've created to come to an end.

Next week we'll be celebrating my 26th birthday. I'm less excited about that. The birthday celebration will be great because for the past several years we've gone to the zoo for my birthday (I LOVE the zoo) and that's something I hope turns into a family tradition.
I'm not that thrilled about turning 26. 26 sounds too foreign and too grown-up. 26 feels much further away from 25 than 19 did from 20. I feel like I haven't accomplished enough to be this old already. I've been mentally preparing to write my new age on documents and accidentally actually put 26 on a form last week! I cursed myself for wasting one of my last days of being 25.

As for my pregnancy, things are still going well. My 36 week appointment is next Friday. I'm going to have an ultrasound done to make sure baby J is finally head down. If he's not then my OB is going to try an external version at my 37 week checkup. I think he's flipped, but I still can't tell if the bump he keeps pushing out at the top of my uterus is his head or his butt... 

^What it feels like I'm carrying in there these days.

How far along: 35 weeks. Hopefully only 35 days left at the most.

Sleep: I've been getting up earlier than usual because of the sunlight coming into our room. It's been nice. It allows me to have some alone time before Miss M wakes up and I get to say goodbye to Mr. P before he leaves for work. I still sleep really well and I'm feeling more tired now so I try my best to take advantage of Miss M's nap times.

Movement: This baby has run out of space. He's taking up every inch of room in there and stretching and kicking like some cat who thinks all the space belongs to them.

Cravings: Kale salad. True pregnancy craving right there. What is wrong with me?

Symptoms: Lots of heartburn this past week. Given how little room there is left I'm assuming this symptom will stay put for the remainder of the pregnancy. It's not bad and it could definitely be worse. Pregnancy = still great.

Belly button: Innie, but sometimes half of it looks pretty flat and I can wear certain shirts that make it almost look like an outie!

Thing I'm looking forward to: Our anniversary and the zoo.

Size of baby: Our baby boy is growing like a weed already! He's roughly 20 inches long and 5 1/4lbs which is about the size of a honeydew melon. Yum.

Milestones: Baby boy is almost ready for his big debut. His kidneys should be fully developed by now and they can process some waste products. His nervous and immune system are still maturing, but most of his physical development is done so he's mainly busy packing on the pounds.

The bump: 

Over n' out, y'all.

33 weeks

"We are infinitely more than our 

limitations or our afflictions." 

                                                                                               Elder Jeffrey R. Holland

33 weeks today and I'm starting to panic. I'm sort of in denial about having another baby. I can't have two under two. I can't have two period. Nope, not happening. Not in seven weeks, not in seven years.

There's nothing in particular I'm worried about either other than feeling like I just.can't.do.it. Sleep will be rough the first couple months, but that's no different than when Miss M was born and she's freaking amazing. Nothing inconsistent or confusing there.

I've decided to put all this baby #2 business on the back burner. I'll deal with the family of four madness when it actually happens.

At least we have a much better idea of what we're doing. Right?

Aside from my emotions, everything pregnancy related is going well, thank goodness. Baby J is still breech, but he looks perfectly healthy and is already a good size. My OB said if he came at any time from this point on she wouldn't be worried about it at all. The longer he stays in the better, obviously, but it would be okay if he made an early debut (you better not though, Sir)!

I had an experience at my 30 week appointment has left me feeling very self-conscious and vulnerable.
My appointment had ended and I was at the front desk scheduling the rest of my appointments (say what?!) when my OB came out and asked if she could talk to me again in the room we just left. When she closed the door behind us she had a very concerned look on her face. She told me the nurse informed her I had been self-harming and she needed to follow up on that information.
I realized I had worn a dress with short sleeves to my appointment since the weather was nice that day and I had never done that before. I immediately became uncomfortable and started to feel ashamed.
I thanked my OB for her concern and reassured her that the scars the nurse saw were from 10+ years ago. I willingly showed her my arms to let her have a look. She was surprised she hadn't noticed them before and I could tell she was slightly embarrassed for bringing it up because they're clearly old.
She briefly talked about mental health during and post pregnancy, especially depression, which sucked for me, but I knew why she was doing it.
She ended our meeting by saying, "Look, I can tell you're a great mom and that you have your stuff together. You're always asking the right questions, you keep me informed, and you're on top of things. I really like you. I'm here to support you if you ever need it and I know you'll let me know if you do. I'm sorry I had to bring this up today, but I needed to in order to feel like I was doing my job." 
Her closing words did help me feel a little better because she sounded sincere, but I still felt bad and now I feel like my image is tainted in their eyes and that makes me feel sick.

It was so long ago and it happened during a dark time of great need. I didn't know I would have to live with it forever. I didn't know I would be judged by others based on that alone. Honestly at that time I'm sure I didn't know those things because I didn't care. I didn't think I would live to be this old and I was too busy trying to make it through another day. That sounds terribly dramatic, but that's where I was 10+ years ago. Hurting. Angry. Depressed. Scared. I found something that was destructive, but it helped me make it through those arduous years.

I compare my self-harm to drug and alcohol addiction a lot. Unfortunately, hiding my past of unhealthy habits is harder to do because the scars are physical and everyone and their dog can see them.

That's not true. People who know me don't notice them anymore, at least not all the time. The problem is most people don't know me and that makes meeting new people and making new friends difficult.

I try to keep my scars hidden, but I forget. The weather gets nice, I'm around people who know me almost 100% of the time, I get comfortable, and nobody cares. Nobody asks, or stares, or questions. Nobody talks to me about mental health. Nobody is scared of me. Then somebody new comes into my little circle and I'm reminded that my skin looks different because I see it on their faces. They're surprised, shocked, confused, scared... I don't know what it is, but I can see it.
I always wonder if they will ever really try to get to know me now or if they think they have me figured out and don't want to anymore. Do they think I do drugs (I get this a lot surprisingly)? Do they think I'm a bad mom? A bad person? Do they feel bad for my husband or worry about the safety of my daughter? Are they worried about me being around their kids? Do they want me to hide? I hate it. I.HATE.IT.

Please, I want to say to them. Please don't judge me for these. They're not who I am. Not now, not then. Please look at me. See me.

I saw a specialist once about getting my scars removed, but apparently I have too many (plus ain't nobody got the money for that). Many tears were shed that day.

There's an LDS blogger that I follow, Al (Fox) Carraway, and even though her tattoos are viewed quite differently than my scars, her story has helped me. A friend of mine recently had jaw surgery that she has been waiting to have for YEARS. She has gone through so much and following her journey has also hit home and been inspiring.

There is always hope.

I hope the day will come where nobody sees my scars and I won't feel the need to hide. People will look at me in a short-sleeved shirt at church, at the grocery store, school, walking down the street, wherever, and think nothing of it. I hope I will get to feel the peace that comes with being physically whole even if that never happens in this lifetime.

I made sure to wear my usual long-sleeved sweater to my 32 week appointment last week and I don't think I'll be ready to wear short sleeves to my next appointment either. Or ever. Like I said before, I'm feeling very vulnerable. As much as I love my OB, now I can't wait to run far, far away from that office once baby J arrives and all my postpartum care is out of the way.

This post certainly ran away from me, but it felt good to get that off my chest. Now let's get back to the pregnancy I'm in denial about, shall we?

How far along: 33 weeks. 49 days left. Yikes!

Sleep: Crazy dreams and I need to change our sheets to our summer sheets because it's getting too warm at night. Sleep is still great though. I'm a fan.

Movement: Baby J still moves the most at night and in the morning, but he's been surprisingly active during the day the past week or so. He likes to kick my hips and sides while shoving his head as high up as he can. He really needs to flip.

Cravings: Everything? Mostly Indian food from Bombay House in Provo, UT, but everything is accurate. I like food.

Symptoms: The belly keeps on growing and I'm full of hormones. I also feel full almost always even when I'm really hungry. Baby J seems to be taking up ALL of the space in there. I'm scared he's going to be huge. He feels huge.

Belly button: Innie.

Worst moment of the week: It's supposed to snow this weekend.

Best moment of the week: Wednesday morning. It was magical. Oh, and the road trip we took over Mr. P's long weekend! We miss our friends, the food, and the state already.

What I'm looking forward to: My baby shower. I have family coming into town for it and it should be good. It makes me want to cry because I seriously can't believe we're having a son. (Like I said, full of hormones).

Size of baby: Good grief, Baby J is 17-19 inches long at this point and weighs more than ~4 1/2lbs! He's sort of the size of a pineapple.

^And look how cute he is!

Milestones: Baby J is busy bulking. He's packing on the pounds and getting less wrinkly. He can recognize the difference between day and night. His skeleton is hardening and he has his own immune system now!

The bump:

 33 weeks side

33 weeks front

I'm including this photo to show the lingering burns

I have on my stomach after splashing boiling water 

all over myself a couple nights ago. Fortunately 

nothing blistered. It's still tender and slightly 

raised, but healing nicely. It could have 

been a lot worse.

That's all. The end. With love. Ciao. 

30 down and counting

"Jesus said unto her, I am the resurrection, and the life: 

he that believeth in me, though he were dead, 

yet shall he live: And whosoever liveth 

and believeth in me shall never die. 

Believest thou this?" 

                                                                                 John 11:25-26

75% complete. 70 days to go. 30 weeks done. 10 weeks left. But who's counting? Mr. P really wants me to go past my due date and deliver on June 6th so we can have a D-Day baby, but I'm hoping to walk him out a little early so he's born in late May instead. I'm due so close to May that I feel like once April hits I'll be able to say "next month is my month" anyway, but I'm worried that will jinx me. "Oh, you think next month is your month? Nope. You're going to be pregnant forever." If I think about it for too long sometimes I start missing being pregnant already and looking forward to my next pregnancy. Sometimes I'm quite irrational. I have to remind myself that when I chop carrots, I need to chop carrots. 

I'm excited to be in labor. I hope I go into labor on my own this time and it happens during the day. I know, so picky. If I need to be induced or have a c-section in the end that's fine. I'm really okay with that, but I would love to have at least one low-risk, complication free experience with labor and delivery. This pregnancy has been boring in all the right ways and it's hard not to hope that will continue through the end.
Ideally I'd like labor to start on its own when it's still pleasant outside so I can take a nice walk around the park we live next to. That means the weather will also have to be nice. It also means I won't be able to tell Mr. P I'm in labor because he'll want to rush me to the hospital right away when we're going to have time (we talked about this not too long ago, hah).

I've had terrible luck finding decent maternity clothes that I actually like, but I recently purchased a couple dresses online and I'm keeping my fingers crossed that I won't have to return them. Once I get some nice maternity clothes, and the weather gets its act together and stays warm, I'll post some bump pictures that are actually cute. None of you probably care about that. It's more for me.

 I'm looking forward to Easter. Mr. P and I don't have any plans, but it's Easter and it's the first Easter that Miss M is more of a tiny human of her own than a baby. It's been fun teaching her and watching her learn. She understands so much more than I expected her to at this age. It's rather frightening and at times I feel wholly inadequate.
I worry about that a lot. I want to do everything perfectly with Miss M to help her become the best that she can be, but that leaves me feeling overwhelmed and like I've already failed too often. I'm grateful for this time of year and for the gentle reminders I've received that the effort I'm putting in now is enough and perfection is not required, nor is it expected.

I'm still working on who I am and who I want to be as an individual and a mother and I think that adds to my anxieties. I'm working on my things and trying to better myself while trying to do all that for another tiny, sweet, innocent person at the same time. I'm still figuring things out, but she's dependent on me now. She can't wait for me to teach her until I know for myself so I pray and cry a lot, lol, and hope for the best. So far Miss M seems to be turning out alright.

How far along: 30 weeks!

Sleep: I still get plenty of sleep most of the time. I think Miss M has been cutting more teeth because she's been waking up between 3:00 and 4:00am the past week. Now she's sick so I'm assuming that will continue for a few more days. Fortunately she goes right back down, but not until after I go in and give her some cuddles or milk. Could be worse.

Movement: A lot of times this is what reminds me I'm pregnant. As silly as it sounds, I forget a lot. I'll be lying on my side when suddenly BAM! Power kick to my side. Maybe he forgets from time to time that he's a baby and floating in a uterus. Whenever he remembers he panics and starts punching and kicking thinking "Let me out!" Sometimes it tickles, sometimes it hurts. I like it whenever he says hi though.

Cravings: I'm currently eating meatballs dipped in ketchup. They kind of taste like mini hamburgers. The only thing that would make them taste better would be if I could melt some Craft American cheese on top. Yum.

Symptoms: Getting bigger. Maybe more emotional and or irrational? I don't know how much of that is due to pregnancy though. That could just be me. I feel like I waddle when I really need to pee. Maybe I do that while not pregnant too, but I'm much more aware of it now because the probability of me wetting my pants is greater.

Belly button: Innie. Some day I will get lucky and have a cute belly button that pokes out at the end.

Wedding ring: On.

Worst moment of the week: Miss M is sick again :(

Best moment of the week: Late night conversations with Mr. P and family night at the pool.

Things I'm looking forward to: My next appointment is tomorrow and we get another ultrasound. Woo! I'm excited to see our son's cute profile and little toes again.

Size of baby: James is about the size of a large cabbage (15-16 inches long, ~3lbs).

Cute.

Pretty weird.

Milestones: James' eyes are mature enough that he can follow a light source. When he's born his vision will be 20/400. His brain is still developing at a rapid pace. He's getting longer and fatter and quickly running out of room in there.

The Bump:

^Hiding in my winter coat

^Hello, Baby!

I hope all y'all have a wonderful Easter weekend.
Over n' out.

Welcome to the Third Trimester!

"As we arise each morning, let us determine 

to respond with love and kindness to 

whatever might come our way." 

                                                                                           Thomas S. Monson

I'm 28 weeks today and officially in the third trimester! Only ~12 weeks left as of today and in only two weeks I'll be 75% done. Time has already been flying by this pregnancy, thanks Miss M, but I feel like (hope that) being in the third trimester will make it go by even faster.

I have nothing to complain about pregnancy wise and I actually really love being pregnant so that's not why I'm jonesing to be done. I can't wait to meet this little boy.

After Mr. P and I lost our first daughter, having Miss M felt like a miracle. She was our first take-home baby. She didn't replace her sister, but she has brought us peace and indescribable joy. It's bittersweet knowing she wouldn't be ours if her sister had lived because how could you ever choose? But this little girl was meant to be in my life and that will always be a sacred experience to me.

Now we're having a boy(!) and he holds a special place in my heart too.

Placing Little Bear for adoption is still one of the hardest decisions I've ever made in my life. During my pregnancy with him I started reading the scriptures and became very attached to the story of Abraham.

His sacrifice was made out of obedience and mine was made after disobedience, but his sacrifice still resonated deeply with me. The story of Abraham was one of my main sources of strength that carried me through the toughest of times.

"How can it be called a sacrifice to yield up a handful 

of dust when what is promised is a whole earth?"

The magnitude of what I relinquished didn't become clear until Mr. P and I had Miss M. Beforehand I only had fantasies; late nights, rolling over, crawling, first words, first steps, bedtime, etc. hugs and kisses, etc. It wasn't until after M's birth that I became truly aware of what I missed out on, and had to deal with the emotions that go with that, because I had to experience those things firsthand to understand, if that makes sense. It also dawned on me that I might never have a son which was something I had to mourn and come to terms with (again).

I think placing for adoption and not knowing whether or not I'd ever have a son of my own was one of the hardest things to accept. I wasn't just passing on the opportunity in that moment, but possibly forever. Again, I found strength in the story of Abraham and Isaac, but just because Abraham was blessed in that way didn't mean I would be in this lifetime.

I hoped that one day I would be lucky enough to have a son of my own, but I placed for adoption knowing that wasn't a guarantee. It was hard, but it was the right thing for me to do. I placed because I loved the boy I was carrying and I wanted more for him. I placed because I loved his parents and I wanted them to have a son. I placed knowing God was going to take care of me and He has.

On bad days I'm prone to feeling guilty and thinking things like "I don't deserve this," but what do I know about that? Usually I'm able to count my blessings and leave it at that.

It's difficult to describe how surreal this all feels. After leaving labor and delivery empty wombed and empty handed twice, finally getting to bring home my daughter and my son fills me with gratitude. Gratitude, humility, happiness, and lots of other emotions that make me ugly cry all sorts of tears. Most importantly it brings me comfort. I'm having a son.

Have I shared his name yet? If not, we've decided to name him James. He will be our son of thunder. J's middle name is still pending, but if any of our boys have the middle name of Abraham or Isaac, now you'll know why.

James, we can't wait to meet you!

How far along: 28 weeks

Sleep: I've been really tired lately. Sleeping lots, napping while Miss M naps. I'm guessing baby boy is going through a growth spurt (as am I).

Movement: I've had a couple freak outs because James doesn't move much during the day, but that's only because he's up all night. Sometimes I have really weird dreams and wake up to him going nuts. I think the dreams are partly due to him being crazy active. I also feel like he's way far back. The best I can describe it is to say he's doing a handstand up against my spine. Kicking me way up, punching me down low, and way, way back there.

Cravings: I'm all over the place right now. I did dream of hamburgers last night with craft American cheese. None of the heating methods we tried cooked the burger patties well enough so I couldn't eat them and it made me cry a lot. I woke up and had a spoonful of cookie dough and a glass of milk. *shrugs*

Symptoms: Getting bigger, some heartburn, feeling like baby is up too high/feeling full even when I'm hungry.

Belly button: Innie

Wedding ring: On

Worst moment of the week: Miss M falling off the couch and cutting her hand on some plastic. It's cute that she keeps asking for bandaids and kisses, but it hurts so she's been crying a lot :(

Best moment of the week: Watching Miss M play with a friend's little boys. Y'all, this girl is going to love having siblings!

Thing I'm looking forward to the most: Going on a date with Mr. P tomorrow and the beautiful weather we're going to have this weekend!

Size of baby: Mr. J is roughly the size of a large eggplant this week coming in at 2 1/4lbs and 14.8-16 inches long. 

Milestones: Mr. J can blink his eyes and he's working on coughing, hiccuping, and breathing. He might dream while he sleeps now which is pretty cool. What would a womb dweller dream about?

Bumps:

 2009

2013

2014

2016

"Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and lean 

not on thine own understanding."

Proverbs 3:5