Esther Pending: Welcome to the Third Trimester!

"As we arise each morning, let us determine

to respond with love and kindness to

whatever might come our way."

Thomas S. Monson

I'm 28 weeks today and officially in the third trimester! Only ~12 weeks left as of today and in only two weeks I'll be 75% done. Time has already been flying by this pregnancy, thanks Miss M, but I feel like (hope that) being in the third trimester will make it go by even faster.

I have nothing to complain about pregnancy wise and I actually really love being pregnant so that's not why I'm jonesing to be done. I can't wait to meet this little boy.

After Mr. P and I lost our first daughter, having Miss M felt like a miracle. She was our first take-home baby. She didn't replace her sister, but she has brought us peace and indescribable joy. It's bittersweet knowing she wouldn't be ours if her sister had lived because how could you ever choose? But this little girl was meant to be in my life and that will always be a sacred experience to me.

Now we're having a boy(!) and he holds a special place in my heart too.

Placing Little Bear for adoption is still one of the hardest decisions I've ever made in my life. During my pregnancy with him I started reading the scriptures and became very attached to the story of Abraham.

His sacrifice was made out of obedience and mine was made after disobedience, but his sacrifice still resonated deeply with me. The story of Abraham was one of my main sources of strength that carried me through the toughest of times.

"How can it be called a sacrifice to yield up a handful

of dust when what is promised is a whole earth?"

The magnitude of what I relinquished didn't become clear until Mr. P and I had Miss M. Beforehand I only had fantasies; late nights, rolling over, crawling, first words, first steps, bedtime, etc. hugs and kisses, etc. It wasn't until after M's birth that I became truly aware of what I missed out on, and had to deal with the emotions that go with that, because I had to experience those things firsthand to understand, if that makes sense. It also dawned on me that I might never have a son which was something I had to mourn and come to terms with (again).

I think placing for adoption and not knowing whether or not I'd ever have a son of my own was one of the hardest things to accept. I wasn't just passing on the opportunity in that moment, but possibly forever. Again, I found strength in the story of Abraham and Isaac, but just because Abraham was blessed in that way didn't mean I would be in this lifetime.

I hoped that one day I would be lucky enough to have a son of my own, but I placed for adoption knowing that wasn't a guarantee. It was hard, but it was the right thing for me to do. I placed because I loved the boy I was carrying and I wanted more for him. I placed because I loved his parents and I wanted them to have a son. I placed knowing God was going to take care of me and He has.

On bad days I'm prone to feeling guilty and thinking things like "I don't deserve this," but what do I know about that? Usually I'm able to count my blessings and leave it at that.

It's difficult to describe how surreal this all feels. After leaving labor and delivery empty wombed and empty handed twice, finally getting to bring home my daughter and my son fills me with gratitude. Gratitude, humility, happiness, and lots of other emotions that make me ugly cry all sorts of tears. Most importantly it brings me comfort. I'm having a son.

Have I shared his name yet? If not, we've decided to name him James. He will be our son of thunder. J's middle name is still pending, but if any of our boys have the middle name of Abraham or Isaac, now you'll know why.

James, we can't wait to meet you!

How far along: 28 weeks

Sleep: I've been really tired lately. Sleeping lots, napping while Miss M naps. I'm guessing baby boy is going through a growth spurt (as am I).

Movement: I've had a couple freak outs because James doesn't move much during the day, but that's only because he's up all night. Sometimes I have really weird dreams and wake up to him going nuts. I think the dreams are partly due to him being crazy active. I also feel like he's way far back. The best I can describe it is to say he's doing a handstand up against my spine. Kicking me way up, punching me down low, and way, way back there.

Cravings: I'm all over the place right now. I did dream of hamburgers last night with craft American cheese. None of the heating methods we tried cooked the burger patties well enough so I couldn't eat them and it made me cry a lot. I woke up and had a spoonful of cookie dough and a glass of milk. *shrugs*

Symptoms: Getting bigger, some heartburn, feeling like baby is up too high/feeling full even when I'm hungry.

Belly button: Innie

Wedding ring: On

Worst moment of the week: Miss M falling off the couch and cutting her hand on some plastic. It's cute that she keeps asking for bandaids and kisses, but it hurts so she's been crying a lot :(

Best moment of the week: Watching Miss M play with a friend's little boys. Y'all, this girl is going to love having siblings!

Thing I'm looking forward to the most: Going on a date with Mr. P tomorrow and the beautiful weather we're going to have this weekend!

Size of baby: Mr. J is roughly the size of a large eggplant this week coming in at 2 1/4lbs and 14.8-16 inches long.

Milestones: Mr. J can blink his eyes and he's working on coughing, hiccuping, and breathing. He might dream while he sleeps now which is pretty cool. What would a womb dweller dream about?

Bumps:

2009