Holding Down the Fort

Kevin and I went to our gender ultrasound yesterday. I was so wound up I couldn’t sleep the night before. I was terrified, but while taking a hot shower to calm my nerves an overwhelming feeling of peace came over me, and I couldn’t shake the thought, “after tomorrow, you won’t have to worry.”

When we got there, the first thing the ultrasound tech said was, “Things aren’t right. I need to get the doctor. I’ll be right back.” Now, I have read a lot of scary stories of women being told something is wrong at an ultrasound, going in a couple weeks later, and learning that whatever it was resolved itself, so I tried not to panic because I do so much of that on my own already. I thought this would probably be another one of those cases.

I was wrong.

Doctor walked in and gave us the bad news right away. Baby is not going to make it. Baby has abnormalities incompatible with life, trisomy 13 or 18, and is already on it's little way to the other side.

I sure know how to pick when not to worry, right?

We had an in-depth ultrasound with a specialist today to confirm all of my OB’s findings. We got to see Baby’s perfect, tiny little toes, its tiny hands, and all its beauty. We also got to see everything that was wrong, and how our perfect baby’s body was failing them.

Baby is in zero pain, which was our top priority, but is leaving us quickly. I go back in on Monday for another follow-up ultrasound and to schedule our sweet baby’s removal.

It has been hard.

Surprisingly, I still can’t shake the thought that I don’t have to worry anymore. We have moments of confusion and shock, and we have both shed a lot of tears, but there is no anger. It was nothing we did, and there was nothing we could have done. It is what it is. If it wasn’t us, it would have happened to someone else. It has happened to couples before us, and it will continue to happen to couples in the future.

It’s our turn for a mountain to climb, but we will conquer. There is light. Baby is going to be in better hands, in a better place, and will eventually receive a perfect body. We aren’t losing this baby forever; only for a time. We will come out of this on top.

Kevin and I are alright.

It is still hard and we could use all of your prayers (we could also use all your best distractions, jokes, and lists of movies that induce tears or laughter). Thank you for all of the love and support you have already given us-- Our hearts have been filled with gratitude.

And with that I leave you with the words of Isaiah,

"Behold, God is my salvation; I will trust, and not be afraid: for the Lord JEHOVAH is my strength and my song; he also is become my salvation." Isaiah 12:2