30 down and counting

"Jesus said unto her, I am the resurrection, and the life: 

he that believeth in me, though he were dead, 

yet shall he live: And whosoever liveth 

and believeth in me shall never die. 

Believest thou this?" 

                                                                                 John 11:25-26

75% complete. 70 days to go. 30 weeks done. 10 weeks left. But who's counting? Mr. P really wants me to go past my due date and deliver on June 6th so we can have a D-Day baby, but I'm hoping to walk him out a little early so he's born in late May instead. I'm due so close to May that I feel like once April hits I'll be able to say "next month is my month" anyway, but I'm worried that will jinx me. "Oh, you think next month is your month? Nope. You're going to be pregnant forever." If I think about it for too long sometimes I start missing being pregnant already and looking forward to my next pregnancy. Sometimes I'm quite irrational. I have to remind myself that when I chop carrots, I need to chop carrots. 

I'm excited to be in labor. I hope I go into labor on my own this time and it happens during the day. I know, so picky. If I need to be induced or have a c-section in the end that's fine. I'm really okay with that, but I would love to have at least one low-risk, complication free experience with labor and delivery. This pregnancy has been boring in all the right ways and it's hard not to hope that will continue through the end.
Ideally I'd like labor to start on its own when it's still pleasant outside so I can take a nice walk around the park we live next to. That means the weather will also have to be nice. It also means I won't be able to tell Mr. P I'm in labor because he'll want to rush me to the hospital right away when we're going to have time (we talked about this not too long ago, hah).

I've had terrible luck finding decent maternity clothes that I actually like, but I recently purchased a couple dresses online and I'm keeping my fingers crossed that I won't have to return them. Once I get some nice maternity clothes, and the weather gets its act together and stays warm, I'll post some bump pictures that are actually cute. None of you probably care about that. It's more for me.

 I'm looking forward to Easter. Mr. P and I don't have any plans, but it's Easter and it's the first Easter that Miss M is more of a tiny human of her own than a baby. It's been fun teaching her and watching her learn. She understands so much more than I expected her to at this age. It's rather frightening and at times I feel wholly inadequate.
I worry about that a lot. I want to do everything perfectly with Miss M to help her become the best that she can be, but that leaves me feeling overwhelmed and like I've already failed too often. I'm grateful for this time of year and for the gentle reminders I've received that the effort I'm putting in now is enough and perfection is not required, nor is it expected.

I'm still working on who I am and who I want to be as an individual and a mother and I think that adds to my anxieties. I'm working on my things and trying to better myself while trying to do all that for another tiny, sweet, innocent person at the same time. I'm still figuring things out, but she's dependent on me now. She can't wait for me to teach her until I know for myself so I pray and cry a lot, lol, and hope for the best. So far Miss M seems to be turning out alright.

How far along: 30 weeks!

Sleep: I still get plenty of sleep most of the time. I think Miss M has been cutting more teeth because she's been waking up between 3:00 and 4:00am the past week. Now she's sick so I'm assuming that will continue for a few more days. Fortunately she goes right back down, but not until after I go in and give her some cuddles or milk. Could be worse.

Movement: A lot of times this is what reminds me I'm pregnant. As silly as it sounds, I forget a lot. I'll be lying on my side when suddenly BAM! Power kick to my side. Maybe he forgets from time to time that he's a baby and floating in a uterus. Whenever he remembers he panics and starts punching and kicking thinking "Let me out!" Sometimes it tickles, sometimes it hurts. I like it whenever he says hi though.

Cravings: I'm currently eating meatballs dipped in ketchup. They kind of taste like mini hamburgers. The only thing that would make them taste better would be if I could melt some Craft American cheese on top. Yum.

Symptoms: Getting bigger. Maybe more emotional and or irrational? I don't know how much of that is due to pregnancy though. That could just be me. I feel like I waddle when I really need to pee. Maybe I do that while not pregnant too, but I'm much more aware of it now because the probability of me wetting my pants is greater.

Belly button: Innie. Some day I will get lucky and have a cute belly button that pokes out at the end.

Wedding ring: On.

Worst moment of the week: Miss M is sick again :(

Best moment of the week: Late night conversations with Mr. P and family night at the pool.

Things I'm looking forward to: My next appointment is tomorrow and we get another ultrasound. Woo! I'm excited to see our son's cute profile and little toes again.

Size of baby: James is about the size of a large cabbage (15-16 inches long, ~3lbs).

Cute.

Pretty weird.

Milestones: James' eyes are mature enough that he can follow a light source. When he's born his vision will be 20/400. His brain is still developing at a rapid pace. He's getting longer and fatter and quickly running out of room in there.

The Bump:

^Hiding in my winter coat

^Hello, Baby!

I hope all y'all have a wonderful Easter weekend.
Over n' out.

Welcome to the Third Trimester!

"As we arise each morning, let us determine 

to respond with love and kindness to 

whatever might come our way." 

                                                                                           Thomas S. Monson

I'm 28 weeks today and officially in the third trimester! Only ~12 weeks left as of today and in only two weeks I'll be 75% done. Time has already been flying by this pregnancy, thanks Miss M, but I feel like (hope that) being in the third trimester will make it go by even faster.

I have nothing to complain about pregnancy wise and I actually really love being pregnant so that's not why I'm jonesing to be done. I can't wait to meet this little boy.

After Mr. P and I lost our first daughter, having Miss M felt like a miracle. She was our first take-home baby. She didn't replace her sister, but she has brought us peace and indescribable joy. It's bittersweet knowing she wouldn't be ours if her sister had lived because how could you ever choose? But this little girl was meant to be in my life and that will always be a sacred experience to me.

Now we're having a boy(!) and he holds a special place in my heart too.

Placing Little Bear for adoption is still one of the hardest decisions I've ever made in my life. During my pregnancy with him I started reading the scriptures and became very attached to the story of Abraham.

His sacrifice was made out of obedience and mine was made after disobedience, but his sacrifice still resonated deeply with me. The story of Abraham was one of my main sources of strength that carried me through the toughest of times.

"How can it be called a sacrifice to yield up a handful 

of dust when what is promised is a whole earth?"

The magnitude of what I relinquished didn't become clear until Mr. P and I had Miss M. Beforehand I only had fantasies; late nights, rolling over, crawling, first words, first steps, bedtime, etc. hugs and kisses, etc. It wasn't until after M's birth that I became truly aware of what I missed out on, and had to deal with the emotions that go with that, because I had to experience those things firsthand to understand, if that makes sense. It also dawned on me that I might never have a son which was something I had to mourn and come to terms with (again).

I think placing for adoption and not knowing whether or not I'd ever have a son of my own was one of the hardest things to accept. I wasn't just passing on the opportunity in that moment, but possibly forever. Again, I found strength in the story of Abraham and Isaac, but just because Abraham was blessed in that way didn't mean I would be in this lifetime.

I hoped that one day I would be lucky enough to have a son of my own, but I placed for adoption knowing that wasn't a guarantee. It was hard, but it was the right thing for me to do. I placed because I loved the boy I was carrying and I wanted more for him. I placed because I loved his parents and I wanted them to have a son. I placed knowing God was going to take care of me and He has.

On bad days I'm prone to feeling guilty and thinking things like "I don't deserve this," but what do I know about that? Usually I'm able to count my blessings and leave it at that.

It's difficult to describe how surreal this all feels. After leaving labor and delivery empty wombed and empty handed twice, finally getting to bring home my daughter and my son fills me with gratitude. Gratitude, humility, happiness, and lots of other emotions that make me ugly cry all sorts of tears. Most importantly it brings me comfort. I'm having a son.

Have I shared his name yet? If not, we've decided to name him James. He will be our son of thunder. J's middle name is still pending, but if any of our boys have the middle name of Abraham or Isaac, now you'll know why.

James, we can't wait to meet you!

How far along: 28 weeks

Sleep: I've been really tired lately. Sleeping lots, napping while Miss M naps. I'm guessing baby boy is going through a growth spurt (as am I).

Movement: I've had a couple freak outs because James doesn't move much during the day, but that's only because he's up all night. Sometimes I have really weird dreams and wake up to him going nuts. I think the dreams are partly due to him being crazy active. I also feel like he's way far back. The best I can describe it is to say he's doing a handstand up against my spine. Kicking me way up, punching me down low, and way, way back there.

Cravings: I'm all over the place right now. I did dream of hamburgers last night with craft American cheese. None of the heating methods we tried cooked the burger patties well enough so I couldn't eat them and it made me cry a lot. I woke up and had a spoonful of cookie dough and a glass of milk. *shrugs*

Symptoms: Getting bigger, some heartburn, feeling like baby is up too high/feeling full even when I'm hungry.

Belly button: Innie

Wedding ring: On

Worst moment of the week: Miss M falling off the couch and cutting her hand on some plastic. It's cute that she keeps asking for bandaids and kisses, but it hurts so she's been crying a lot :(

Best moment of the week: Watching Miss M play with a friend's little boys. Y'all, this girl is going to love having siblings!

Thing I'm looking forward to the most: Going on a date with Mr. P tomorrow and the beautiful weather we're going to have this weekend!

Size of baby: Mr. J is roughly the size of a large eggplant this week coming in at 2 1/4lbs and 14.8-16 inches long. 

Milestones: Mr. J can blink his eyes and he's working on coughing, hiccuping, and breathing. He might dream while he sleeps now which is pretty cool. What would a womb dweller dream about?

Bumps:

 2009

2013

2014

2016

"Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and lean 

not on thine own understanding."

Proverbs 3:5

26 weeks

"Those who move forward with a happy spirit 

will find that things always work out." 

                                                                                                                                    Gordon B Hinckley 

I'm tired. One of my goals for 2016 was to exercise more and take better care of myself overall. I think exercising more is the one goal I'm really succeeding at thus far and I'm certainly feeling it today. I'm looking forward for Miss M's nap time so I can join her. Having said that, the exercise has helped my mood a lot and I feel so much better. I'm grateful that my mom has been willing to go to the gym with me every morning.

How far along: 26 weeks

Sleep: I sleep a lot, but at this moment I want to sleep more. Feeling extra tired and I'm assuming that's a pregnancy thing.

Movement: Baby boy has been so low! He's making me have to pee all the time, but he's also sitting funny to where he's making it harder to pee at the same time? I'll have to pee bad, but I won't be able to until he moves. I almost had an accident while out walking with Mr. P and Miss M earlier this week. Not proud of this, but I had to climb down a little snow bank and go under a bridge because baby boy decided to move during our walk and then headbutt my bladder. Fortunately I didn't have to walk home in wet pants.

Cravings: Salsa and chips, but only the all you can eat salsa and chips from a Mexican restaurant. 

Symptoms: Crying over food. Getting hangry. Getting bigger.

Bellybutton: Innie

Wedding ring: On

Worst moment of the week: Peeing under a bridge.

Best moment of the week: Not peeing my pants in public.

What I'm looking forward to: Salsa and chips. Or pancakes. No, definitely salsa and chips.

Size of baby: Baby boy is the size of Thor's hammer this week? He weighs about 2lbs and is 9+ inches long (clearly not as long or heavy as Thor's hammer, but oh well).

Neat

Milestones: Baby boy is beginning to open his eyes now, not that there's much of a view for him at the moment. His brain-wave activity is also kicking in this week so he can not only hear noises, but respond to them. How cool is that?

The bump:

25 down, 15 to go

"Affection is responsible for nine-tenths of 

whatever solid and durable happiness 

there is in our natural lives." 

                                                                                                          C.S. Lewis, The Four Loves

Miss M hasn't had zofran in two days and so far no vomiting from her and Mr. P hasn't puked since Sunday night/early Monday morning so I think it's safe to say we're all well again. Laundry is still never-ending, but it's back to normal which is a relief.

I passed the GD test! No gestational diabetes for me! Yay! Oddly enough, once I heard I didn't have gestational diabetes, breads and sweets stopped making me feel sick and tired. Go figure. I still want to watch what I eat for my health, but I'm not going to worry so much.

The weather has been absolutely beautiful the past couple of weeks. It got up to 71 degrees today! I've been spending a lot of time outside with Miss M soaking up all the sunshine I can. The weather has helped tremendously with the winter blues. I know there's more snow in our future, but I can see the light at the end of the tunnel.

How far along: 25 weeks today!

Sleep: Love it. We bought new pillows this week and they're pretty much the cat's pajamas.

Movement: Movement is moving up which I hope means he's flipped because he's been breech at all of my appointments thus far.

Cravings: Potato bread and Kraft American cheese sandwiches. Not grilled or anything. Just two slices of cold, fake cheese in between two slices of glorious potato bread. Smash it until it's nice and flat. Yup, that's what I want and how I want it. That, and some spicy Mexican food because my mom mentioned it. That will have to be what Mr. P and I go eat for our next date night.

Symptoms: Getting bigger, heartburn, and my bellybutton hurts.

Bellybutton: Innie :(

Wedding ring: On. I always hate when I forget to put it on and then go out in public. I know that sounds silly, but I've done the "single and pregnant" thing before and now I'm a little obsessed (traumatized?) with making sure people know I'm married and all my babies have been planned.

Worst moment of the week: I can't think of one and I'd rather not work too hard at remembering any because why do that?

Best moment of the week: Having my family. I love Mr. P and I love Miss M. We all love this little boy and we're excited for him to join us on the outside. It feels good when Mr. P comes home from work because this is our home and I love having all of us together.

What I'm looking forward to: Spicy Mexican food and making it into the third trimester. Only 3 more weeks to go!

Size of baby: Well, this week the Little Mr. is the size of an eggplant, an acorn squash, an average swede, or a rutabaga, and is taller than two juice boxes stacked on top of one another.

^Current size of baby. Take your pick.

Milestones: His skin is turning more pink because capillaries are forming under the skin and filling with blood. Yummy. Lungs are continuing to develop. Gaining some fat. Growing some hair (I'm sure he's going to be born bald). He can distinguish between sweet and salty and he can make out familiar voices.

The Bump: 

That's all. Over n' out. 

V-Day x 2

"My beloved is mine, and I am his: 

he feedeth among the lilies."

I've been trying to post for a couple weeks now, but it's been a little hectic around here. Miss M has been terribly sick again the past week and puking like it's her job. The laundry, the smell, the unhappy toddler... Honestly the vomiting has been my biggest (non life-threatening, non serious, non traumatizing, etc) motherhood nightmare. I hate, hate, hate vomit and it's happening so often that I feel like I can't catch a break. Every time I think it's over for good, Miss M starts spewing again like Old Faithful.

On a happier note, Mr. Pending and I celebrated two V-Days this week.

I'm officially past the 24 weeks mark, hitting viability day. It would still be a high risk journey if I went into labor now, but the chance of survival rates keep going and the odds are ever more tipping in our favor which brings me a lot of peace. I feel like now's the point in pregnancy where I can really start relaxing.

We also celebrated our sixth(!) Valentine's Day together. Mr. Pending had a wonderfully romantic date planned; picnic, star gazing, and all, but unfortunately I also got sick this week and was pretty much out of commission all of Friday and Saturday, and now it's Mr. P's turn to be sick. Booo.
Despite all the vomit, we did have a lovely week together. Mr. P and I got out to see a movie together alone (thanks, mom!), and this morning we enjoyed pink eggs, red grapes, and pink heart-shaped pancakes. It wasn't what either of us had originally planned, but we've decided we still love each other anyway.

Being down with the sickness gave us plenty of time to chill on the couch and watch lots of Netflix which is something we really enjoy doing with each other every now and then. The weather has been surprisingly pleasant too so we made sure to get in some good family walks on the days we were all up for it.

Christmas, Easter, the Fourth of July, and Thanksgiving are probably my top four favorite holidays, but I also really like Valentine's Day. I like using today as a sort of New Year's for love, if that makes sense. Being a kind and loving wife and mother are important to me. This holiday is a simple way to reflect on how I've been doing and where I can improve (plus, I really like making themed treats). 

That's not to say I only reflect on how I'm doing in the loving department on Valentine's Day, but it's definitely a holiday where it's hard not to think about that. It's more fun than stressful, I promise. Maybe that's a bad thing, but so far it hasn't been a bad thing in my life and I hope it always benefits my family and those around me.

We've had a wonderful six years of loving, being loved, and making... life good together. 

Here are a bunch of photos that I've wanted to spam Facebook with, but have refrained from doing so:

Making valentines.

 She LOVED this huge stuffed dog with all the V-Day paraphernalia in the store.

<3 

 Walking to Grandma's.

 She does have her own gloves, but she likes wearing mine more. Go figure.

 Watching her explore makes me want to explode (especially when we're outside and I don't have to worry about her putting an entire roll of toilet paper in the toilet and trying to flush it).

 Loving on her V-Day unicorn from Grandma and Grandpa Dolan.

 Look! She's finally getting hair! 

I feel much better after getting that out of my system. Man do I love that girl.

Now on to the pregnancy:

How far along: 24+3 weeks

Sleep: I sleep great and I sleep plenty

Movement: He's been kicking up a storm at night and in the mornings when I wake up. I like to think he does it that way because he knows I'm anxious so he's letting me know he's alive and well before I fall asleep (so I can sleep) and again as soon as I wake up. He's already such a considerate boy ;)

Cravings: Normally it's meat, meatballs specifically, but since being sick this weekend baked beans and plain potatoes are what sound most appetizing.

Symptoms: Getting bigger. I may or may not have almost wet my pants while coughing this week.

Innie or Outie: Innie!

Wedding ring: On

Worst moment of the week: ALL the vomit, taking the gestational diabetes test, and being sick. This is the first time the gestational diabetes test has sucked so I'm hoping I either pass with flying colors or fail with flying colors so I don'y have to take the 3hr test. Yuck.

Best moment of the week: Being with Mr. Pending and having Miss M in our lives. Lots of love. My heart is full.

What I'm looking forward to: No mo vomit. Less laundry. What sort of black magic do I have to get involved with to make this happen?

Size of baby: Baby boy is the size of a standard letter this week or ~the size of an ear of corn. That equates to almost a food long and 1 1/3- 1 1/2 lbs.

Milestones: His face is formed, which sounds weird. His hearing is on point. His brain is growing, his taste buds are developing more, and his lungs are producing surfactant. Keep on doing you, little dude. See you in the next ~16 weeks.

The bump:

 24 weeks

24 weeks

Happy Valentine's Day, y'all!

Over n' out

22 weeks and a Happy New Year

"A man does what he must- in spite of personal 

consequences, in spite of obstacles and 

dangers and pressures- and that 

is the basis of all human morality." 

                                                                                        ~Winston Churchill 

Hi, hello again. It's been a while. Well, I'll cut to the chase, Mr. Pending and I are expecting a little boy late this spring! We're both very excited for him to join our family and equally excited for Miss M to become a big sister!

I'll be 22 weeks along when I wake up and so far everything is going great. We had our first 100% positive anatomy scan two weeks ago and I can't adequately express how relieving it was to leave that appointment with nothing but good news. There weren't any concerns or follow-up appointments needed. Nothing but "everything looks perfect, see you in four weeks." I honestly don't remember how my appointments went with Little Bear, but there were complications during his delivery, and since losing Sarai and the health scares we had with Miss M, this felt huge. I know we're not out of the woods yet and something bad could go wrong, but right now everything is perfect and I'm grateful.

How far along: 21 weeks, 6 days (22 weeks)

Sleep: I sleep a lot because Miss M sleeps a lot and it's glorious. Still sleeping on my stomach too which I love. I'm a belly sleeper. Funny story, one of my big worries about getting married was sleeping. Not because I was worried about sharing a bed with someone or anything normal like that, but because in most movies and pictures I saw of couples sleeping in bed together were of both of them sleeping on their backs with their arms over the covers. I thought I had to learn to sleep like that and I'm totally an all under the covers, on my stomach, kind of gal. Thinking of this always makes me laugh. 

Ahhh! Nooooooo!

Movement: I have an anterior placenta this time (poo), but I've already felt movement for several weeks. Baby boy is breech and I feel most of his kicks down low and on my sides. Mr. Pending felt him move a couple weeks ago too which is always a wonderful experience.

Cravings: Meat, please.

Symptoms: Craving meat. Pants are getting tighter. I need to be careful with what I watch because if it's a little sad, I will cry.

Innie or Outie: Innie. I don't think I've ever had a full outie, but they sure are cute.

Wedding ring: On

Best moment of the week: Feeling the little guy move because I know he's alive and well. And having my first girls' night with Miss M where we played with dinosaurs and I painted her toenails. It's been a good week.

What I'm looking forward to: February 1st so I can start the 14 days of Valentine's Day for Mr. Pending because I love him. Pregnancy wise, I'm excited to hit viability day.

Size of Baby: Baby is the size of a baseball mitt (or the size of a small doll)?

Milestones: Baby should be breaking the 1-pound marker. He has eyebrows and eyelashes. If he's going to have hair, which I doubt it, he'll be sprouting it on his head, and he's developing his grip, vision, and hearing. Neat!

The Bump: 

~22 weeks

Okay, now I know January is almost over, but I have really wanted to write some of my goals for 2016 so here they are in no particular order:

• Study my scriptures at least 4 times a week (daily is my main goal, but I'm starting small).
• Gain roughly 25lbs by June.
• Lose roughly 25lbs by December.
• Figure out a good low carb meal plan and make healthier meals overall for my family.
• Exercise at least 4 times a week, with 6 days a week being my main goal.
  
  (The diet and exercise goals boil down to creating healthier, sustainable lifestyle changes that will improve my quality of life)
• Study humor and learn how to tell jokes.
• Learn how to be a good storyteller (if you have ever heard me tell a story, you'll understand this one).
• Create something at least once a month.
• Sell 4 paintings this year (baby steps).
• Read something I want to read each day for at least 15 minutes (again, baby steps).
• Improve patience. A lot.
• Be kinder.
• Get to know all my neighbors in this building. 
• Practice Arabic regularly and include Miss M in the lessons.
• Finish potty training Miss M. 
• Learn to cut carrots when I'm cutting carrots. 

I want 2016 to be about becoming healthier physically, emotionally, and spiritually. I would also really love for it to be the year I find my groove when it comes to being a mom because it's been hard figuring out how to balance everything, feeling like I'm losing myself, and beating myself over all my shortcomings. I know I haven't been at it for long and I know I will gain more experience and knowledge as the years go by, but I'd like a better foundation and I'm working on that.

That's all for now.

Over n' out.