"Courage isn't always grandiose. Sometimes courage is that little voice that says, 'I'll try again tomorrow."
-Thomas S. Monson
For the past week and a half, I haven't wanted to do much more than eat and sleep so I'm pretty sure our little miss is going through another growth spurt. I have more energy now, but daily naps are still inevitable.
I had my gestational diabetes test the other day. I won't get the results until Monday, but I'm pretty sure I passed (any by pretty sure I mean I hope).
It wasn't as bad as I was expecting. I got the lemon lime flavor and it tasted like extra sweet, extra flat sprite. It burned going down because of the sweetness, but flavor wise it was actually rather tasty and was more than tolerable.
I did start feeling sick to my stomach about an hour after I finished the drink which was when they were drawing my blood, and I felt shaky for a couple hours after I got home, but after lots of protein and a nap I felt fine again.
I woke up a few days ago with intense pain/pressure down south. It hurt to stand up straight, sit down, and make any change in position while sitting down. It was quite painful and difficult to lift either leg, too, so to put on my pants I had to lay them flat on the floor and reach all the down to pull them up. From my hips down, my lady bits felt like one big bruise.
I talked to my OB about it at my GD appointment and she said it's from Baby J flipping head down and that it wouldn't go away until after birth [insert very unenthusiastic face here].
However, now it hurts most in the morning when I wake up and get out of bed or when my bladder is full, but it has gotten better so here's to hoping she was wrong about that.
Oh, and say what?!? I now have appointments every two weeks. I thought that started later on so I was shocked pleasantly surprised when my OB said, "See you in two weeks!"
I have had a couple emotional breakdowns this week. Nothing bad has happened, I have just been very weepy over all things baby.
I am absolutely terrified of going to the labor and delivery ward because I am scared of leaving empty-handed again so I guess it goes without saying that I'm scared of losing her. I'm scared of not being a good mom. I'm scared of having a baby and suddenly realizing that I hate motherhood.
I'm impatient when it comes to how much time is left until her due date because 81 days seems like a really long time. I want to hold my baby NOW, in our own home, and know she's okay.
At the same time, I feel like 81 days is not enough time. This pregnancy has gone by so fast! We haven't purchased or set anything up yet and I have been panicking that nothing will be ready in time for her. I know she won't know the difference, but having things in order for her is very important to me.
A lot of emotions surrounding the adoption have come up too. I placed a boy for adoption and have wanted a son ever since. When we first found out we were having a girl, I was heartbroken. Where was the boy I had lost? I didn't mourn the loss of Little Bear because he has always felt like B&C's son, but I mourned "my boy." I mourned the fantasy I had of having a boy first so all my future kids could have an older brother. I mourned not having a "momma's boy." I mourned all the things I felt I lost while I was pregnant in 2009 all over again.
I did get over the gender disappointment (plus the guilt that came with it), but it was really hard in the beginning and sometimes I still cry over things lost.
Adoption has also changed how I view all the good things in this pregnancy. Not in a bad way, but in a "this is what it should have been like the first time" way. Some of my happiest moments are also bittersweet because I think of what could have been had I been healthy and happily married to my husband back in 2009, and I have many "I wish this was the first time" moments for me. I guess that's what I mean when I say crying over things lost.
I'd like to blame it pregnancy hormones, but it's probably all stuff I haven't fully processed and need to work out, and there is nothing wrong with getting better.
We have also been waiting to hear back from several jobs for Kevin which has been incredibly stressful. They're all promising and bigger companies and I understand they take longer with the hiring process, but being on the waiting side of it sucks.
Okay, on top of that, I have also been kind of down about my baby shower. I am super excited to be having one, but I live out of state from all my friends and family members so none of them will be able to make it. Members from Kevin's family and ladies from church are coming which is great, but I would be lying if I said I wasn't a little sad about not being able to be with my mom and sisters since this will be my first take-home baby and they were with me through my first two losses.
However, it's going to be a fun shower regardless, and I am really looking forward to it. I'm extremely grateful my mother-in-law and women from the ward have put one together for me and for all their generosity.
(Mom, I don't want you to read this and feel bad. I know you want to come, and if there is any way you can, you will make it. This is NOT to make you feel sad or guilty in any way. If all else fails, we will skype.)
With everything that has been going on, I have been filled with fear. Fear, stress, anxiety, and all sorts of other unpleasant emotions. I really am grateful for the life that I have and for where I am so I'm trying to focus on that and have courage. Some days (most days lately) I fall short, but I have to remember that that's okay too.
The gospel has brought me a lot of comfort. Not just the temple, the scriptures, and prayer, but also the members of the ward we're in. I wish I could hold on to the feeling of strength they provide me for a longer period of time. If I could figure that out, life would be extra golden.
On a happier note, I have been making some things for Baby's J's nursery and working on those projects always cheers me up (and makes me cry happy tears).
^These are some watercolor paintings I did last week. I plan on getting them mats, beads, and frames like the pictures
found here.
^This is a scripture I painted for her room as well (Zephaniah 3:14). Allison, you know who you are, I thought of you while painting this :)
I have decided never to do something like this again. Drawing the letters, painting the background, waiting for that to dry, and then painting the letters took forever. Fixing mistakes with the paint wasn't easy either. Next time, I'll spent the extra money for a stencil or something.
I have also decided I want to learn how to quilt and make Baby J a baby blanket. I have several patterns picked out, but I think I've finally decided to go with this one:
I will use white, purples/lavenders, and grays so it goes with the rest of her nursery stuff. I have never quilted before and I'm pretty intimidated, but I have several family members and the internet coaching me. This will definitely be the most time-consuming project I take on, but the end result will be worth it (if I do it right).
Now for the regular stuff...
How far along: 28 weeks and 3 days. 81 days to go.
Maternity clothes: If I wore anything other than yoga pants, I know I would need maternity pants. Other than that, I'm still wearing my regular clothes and working on fitting into the few maternity items I have so I'll be more comfortable.
Wedding ring on or off: On.
Sleep: I sleep a lot, especially during the day. I have been having a harder time sleeping in, but that's okay.
Movement: Baby J is crazy. Almost always. She loves kicking me in the sides and at my hips. Sometimes it's painful, but her movements bring me so much comfort that I really don't mind too much <3
Cravings: Onions. I want to eat all things onion. If they didn't make me smell so bad, I would probably eat them like apples. A Texas Roadhouse bloomin' onion with their spicy horseradish sauce sounds divine. Divine I say!
Symptoms: Uh, it feels like I have been punched in the lady bits all night long. That's a symptom, right? Crying too much. I'm going to say that's a symptom too. Fatigue.
Belly button in or out: In, but it's stretching.
Signs of labor: None.
Best moment of the week: Kevin and I read together almost every night. We're currently reading the Chronicles of Narnia. This week while reading, he was resting his hand on my stomach and Baby J was actually being pretty active (normally, without yogurt, his hand calms her down right away and she stops moving). He kept stopping in the middle of a sentence to say, "Oh, hello, baby!" or "Wow, she is really moving in there!" It was very sweet and even thinking of it makes my eyes water (see symptoms: crying too much).
Size of baby: Baby J is about 14.8 inches long and weighs roughly 2.2 pounds. According to the internet, she is the size of an iceberg lettuce (one that is 14.8in long and weighs 2.2lbs).
Hello, Baby J!
Milestones: Baby J's brain is now developing its folds and grooves, and is adding on layers of fat to her cute little body. Her muscle tone is improving which means increased movement (no doubt about that one). She was breech at my last appointment, but according to the OB, she has now flipped.
Sleep: She takes power naps during the day and is generally sleeping between 1:00am and 6:00am.
And now for the bump pictures. These were taken today and show one of my wonderful maternity tank tops that I'm growing into (which is why the bottom of my bump looks wrinkly):
That's all, folks.
Over n' out.
