30 down and counting

"Jesus said unto her, I am the resurrection, and the life: 

he that believeth in me, though he were dead, 

yet shall he live: And whosoever liveth 

and believeth in me shall never die. 

Believest thou this?" 

                                                                                 John 11:25-26

75% complete. 70 days to go. 30 weeks done. 10 weeks left. But who's counting? Mr. P really wants me to go past my due date and deliver on June 6th so we can have a D-Day baby, but I'm hoping to walk him out a little early so he's born in late May instead. I'm due so close to May that I feel like once April hits I'll be able to say "next month is my month" anyway, but I'm worried that will jinx me. "Oh, you think next month is your month? Nope. You're going to be pregnant forever." If I think about it for too long sometimes I start missing being pregnant already and looking forward to my next pregnancy. Sometimes I'm quite irrational. I have to remind myself that when I chop carrots, I need to chop carrots. 

I'm excited to be in labor. I hope I go into labor on my own this time and it happens during the day. I know, so picky. If I need to be induced or have a c-section in the end that's fine. I'm really okay with that, but I would love to have at least one low-risk, complication free experience with labor and delivery. This pregnancy has been boring in all the right ways and it's hard not to hope that will continue through the end.
Ideally I'd like labor to start on its own when it's still pleasant outside so I can take a nice walk around the park we live next to. That means the weather will also have to be nice. It also means I won't be able to tell Mr. P I'm in labor because he'll want to rush me to the hospital right away when we're going to have time (we talked about this not too long ago, hah).

I've had terrible luck finding decent maternity clothes that I actually like, but I recently purchased a couple dresses online and I'm keeping my fingers crossed that I won't have to return them. Once I get some nice maternity clothes, and the weather gets its act together and stays warm, I'll post some bump pictures that are actually cute. None of you probably care about that. It's more for me.

 I'm looking forward to Easter. Mr. P and I don't have any plans, but it's Easter and it's the first Easter that Miss M is more of a tiny human of her own than a baby. It's been fun teaching her and watching her learn. She understands so much more than I expected her to at this age. It's rather frightening and at times I feel wholly inadequate.
I worry about that a lot. I want to do everything perfectly with Miss M to help her become the best that she can be, but that leaves me feeling overwhelmed and like I've already failed too often. I'm grateful for this time of year and for the gentle reminders I've received that the effort I'm putting in now is enough and perfection is not required, nor is it expected.

I'm still working on who I am and who I want to be as an individual and a mother and I think that adds to my anxieties. I'm working on my things and trying to better myself while trying to do all that for another tiny, sweet, innocent person at the same time. I'm still figuring things out, but she's dependent on me now. She can't wait for me to teach her until I know for myself so I pray and cry a lot, lol, and hope for the best. So far Miss M seems to be turning out alright.

How far along: 30 weeks!

Sleep: I still get plenty of sleep most of the time. I think Miss M has been cutting more teeth because she's been waking up between 3:00 and 4:00am the past week. Now she's sick so I'm assuming that will continue for a few more days. Fortunately she goes right back down, but not until after I go in and give her some cuddles or milk. Could be worse.

Movement: A lot of times this is what reminds me I'm pregnant. As silly as it sounds, I forget a lot. I'll be lying on my side when suddenly BAM! Power kick to my side. Maybe he forgets from time to time that he's a baby and floating in a uterus. Whenever he remembers he panics and starts punching and kicking thinking "Let me out!" Sometimes it tickles, sometimes it hurts. I like it whenever he says hi though.

Cravings: I'm currently eating meatballs dipped in ketchup. They kind of taste like mini hamburgers. The only thing that would make them taste better would be if I could melt some Craft American cheese on top. Yum.

Symptoms: Getting bigger. Maybe more emotional and or irrational? I don't know how much of that is due to pregnancy though. That could just be me. I feel like I waddle when I really need to pee. Maybe I do that while not pregnant too, but I'm much more aware of it now because the probability of me wetting my pants is greater.

Belly button: Innie. Some day I will get lucky and have a cute belly button that pokes out at the end.

Wedding ring: On.

Worst moment of the week: Miss M is sick again :(

Best moment of the week: Late night conversations with Mr. P and family night at the pool.

Things I'm looking forward to: My next appointment is tomorrow and we get another ultrasound. Woo! I'm excited to see our son's cute profile and little toes again.

Size of baby: James is about the size of a large cabbage (15-16 inches long, ~3lbs).

Cute.

Pretty weird.

Milestones: James' eyes are mature enough that he can follow a light source. When he's born his vision will be 20/400. His brain is still developing at a rapid pace. He's getting longer and fatter and quickly running out of room in there.

The Bump:

^Hiding in my winter coat

^Hello, Baby!

I hope all y'all have a wonderful Easter weekend.
Over n' out.

Welcome to the Third Trimester!

"As we arise each morning, let us determine 

to respond with love and kindness to 

whatever might come our way." 

                                                                                           Thomas S. Monson

I'm 28 weeks today and officially in the third trimester! Only ~12 weeks left as of today and in only two weeks I'll be 75% done. Time has already been flying by this pregnancy, thanks Miss M, but I feel like (hope that) being in the third trimester will make it go by even faster.

I have nothing to complain about pregnancy wise and I actually really love being pregnant so that's not why I'm jonesing to be done. I can't wait to meet this little boy.

After Mr. P and I lost our first daughter, having Miss M felt like a miracle. She was our first take-home baby. She didn't replace her sister, but she has brought us peace and indescribable joy. It's bittersweet knowing she wouldn't be ours if her sister had lived because how could you ever choose? But this little girl was meant to be in my life and that will always be a sacred experience to me.

Now we're having a boy(!) and he holds a special place in my heart too.

Placing Little Bear for adoption is still one of the hardest decisions I've ever made in my life. During my pregnancy with him I started reading the scriptures and became very attached to the story of Abraham.

His sacrifice was made out of obedience and mine was made after disobedience, but his sacrifice still resonated deeply with me. The story of Abraham was one of my main sources of strength that carried me through the toughest of times.

"How can it be called a sacrifice to yield up a handful 

of dust when what is promised is a whole earth?"

The magnitude of what I relinquished didn't become clear until Mr. P and I had Miss M. Beforehand I only had fantasies; late nights, rolling over, crawling, first words, first steps, bedtime, etc. hugs and kisses, etc. It wasn't until after M's birth that I became truly aware of what I missed out on, and had to deal with the emotions that go with that, because I had to experience those things firsthand to understand, if that makes sense. It also dawned on me that I might never have a son which was something I had to mourn and come to terms with (again).

I think placing for adoption and not knowing whether or not I'd ever have a son of my own was one of the hardest things to accept. I wasn't just passing on the opportunity in that moment, but possibly forever. Again, I found strength in the story of Abraham and Isaac, but just because Abraham was blessed in that way didn't mean I would be in this lifetime.

I hoped that one day I would be lucky enough to have a son of my own, but I placed for adoption knowing that wasn't a guarantee. It was hard, but it was the right thing for me to do. I placed because I loved the boy I was carrying and I wanted more for him. I placed because I loved his parents and I wanted them to have a son. I placed knowing God was going to take care of me and He has.

On bad days I'm prone to feeling guilty and thinking things like "I don't deserve this," but what do I know about that? Usually I'm able to count my blessings and leave it at that.

It's difficult to describe how surreal this all feels. After leaving labor and delivery empty wombed and empty handed twice, finally getting to bring home my daughter and my son fills me with gratitude. Gratitude, humility, happiness, and lots of other emotions that make me ugly cry all sorts of tears. Most importantly it brings me comfort. I'm having a son.

Have I shared his name yet? If not, we've decided to name him James. He will be our son of thunder. J's middle name is still pending, but if any of our boys have the middle name of Abraham or Isaac, now you'll know why.

James, we can't wait to meet you!

How far along: 28 weeks

Sleep: I've been really tired lately. Sleeping lots, napping while Miss M naps. I'm guessing baby boy is going through a growth spurt (as am I).

Movement: I've had a couple freak outs because James doesn't move much during the day, but that's only because he's up all night. Sometimes I have really weird dreams and wake up to him going nuts. I think the dreams are partly due to him being crazy active. I also feel like he's way far back. The best I can describe it is to say he's doing a handstand up against my spine. Kicking me way up, punching me down low, and way, way back there.

Cravings: I'm all over the place right now. I did dream of hamburgers last night with craft American cheese. None of the heating methods we tried cooked the burger patties well enough so I couldn't eat them and it made me cry a lot. I woke up and had a spoonful of cookie dough and a glass of milk. *shrugs*

Symptoms: Getting bigger, some heartburn, feeling like baby is up too high/feeling full even when I'm hungry.

Belly button: Innie

Wedding ring: On

Worst moment of the week: Miss M falling off the couch and cutting her hand on some plastic. It's cute that she keeps asking for bandaids and kisses, but it hurts so she's been crying a lot :(

Best moment of the week: Watching Miss M play with a friend's little boys. Y'all, this girl is going to love having siblings!

Thing I'm looking forward to the most: Going on a date with Mr. P tomorrow and the beautiful weather we're going to have this weekend!

Size of baby: Mr. J is roughly the size of a large eggplant this week coming in at 2 1/4lbs and 14.8-16 inches long. 

Milestones: Mr. J can blink his eyes and he's working on coughing, hiccuping, and breathing. He might dream while he sleeps now which is pretty cool. What would a womb dweller dream about?

Bumps:

 2009

2013

2014

2016

"Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and lean 

not on thine own understanding."

Proverbs 3:5