Mother's Day

I have had an intense love/hate relationship with Mother’s Day over the past five years. While I have been grateful for the wonderful motherly figures in my life, I have ached with the desire to be a mother myself.

In the past five years, I have gained two baby boxes which now sit on a shelf together filled with memories. I have gone through labor and delivery twice, but that is the extent of my motherhood experience thus far.

“And all they who have mourned shall be comforted.” D&C 101:14

This year will be the first year I cry happy tears along with the sad. This year, while remembering my losses, my husband and I will also be lucky enough to celebrate the new life, and new opportunity, we have been given. We have experienced a lot of pain and sadness the past four years over children, but we have also been blessed with peace and comfort to carry us through, and we are just as grateful for those tender mercies as we are for this child.

“Sing unto the Lord; for he hath done excellent things.” Isaiah 12:5

Even though I have joy this Mother’s Day, there are many women, women I know and many more I don’t, who still dread this holiday. Sister Patricia Holland once said, “I believe mother is one of those very carefully chosen words, one of those rich words—with meaning after meaning after meaning. We must not, at all costs, let that word divide us. I believe with all my heart that it is first and foremost a statement about our nature, not a head count of our children."

Of course, there are more reasons than one to mourn on Mother's Day. Whatever the reason for someone's pain this day, my heart goes out to them. 

If you are one who suffers on this day, I hope you find peace, comfort, and happiness sooner than later and that you, too, will feel joy on this day.

Anatomy Scan

Kevin and I went the anatomy scan today and everything is looking great! According to the tech, I have twelve ounces of a healthy baby inside me. There was a shadow in part of the heart, but the doctor told me it happens all the time and it's nothing to be concerned about. Plus, I get another ultrasound in four weeks because of it so I can't complain about that :)

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She was kicking the whole time we were trying to get photos of her feet. The tech told us she was really fast. It was fun watching her feet go crazy while feeling her kicks.  

Obligatory alien view of baby's face. Look at those tiny fingers! Her hands were my favorite part. I wish we got photos of those. She tried sucking her thumb several times during the ultrasound which was also a lot of fun to watch. 

We already knew we were having a girl because of the MaterniT21 test, but it was nice to get it confirmed via ultrasound. I think we might actually be comfortable buying things now. 

And there you have it. Life is good.

Over and out.

Our baby announcements

My husband and I decided to wait a while (18 weeks) before we announced our pregnancy to people. Since I had a long time to wait, I had lots of time to think about how I wanted to announce. I originally planned on making these boxes, but by the time I got out of the craft store I had completely different supplies, and a different idea.

So, here is a little step-by-step to show what I made and how they turned out:

Some supplies I used to make the boxes. Everything that I didn't have I bought from Michaels.

More supplies.

The stain I used on the boxes.

I stuck these butterflies on the squares that go in the windows on the boxes and those are name tags I was deciding between.

Here are the boxes after being stained. They were originally the same color as the squares the butterflies are on.

I took an ultrasound photo to FedEx, told them the dimensions I needed them to be, and had them print me a sheet. $0.14.

I used mod podge to stick the photo to one side of the square.

On the other side is the butterfly. The butterflies are facing the outside and...

when you open the box it has the photo.

Here are what the boxes look like closed.

Supplies to fill the boxes. Michaels.

I got some light pink, sheer paper, cut it into the size of our printer paper, and printed the note we wanted to go inside the boxes on it. Then I cut it into strips. 

Background paper. Cut it into strips to fit under the sheer note.

Cut and layered.

I used these little button clasps to attach the sheer note to the background paper.

Here is what the note looks like all put together.

Back side, to show the clasp things.

I rolled up the notes and tied them with pink ribbon.

Poured pink rocks into the boxes and added an "It's a girl" tag on the top flap.

What the boxes look like filled.

And here is the final product.

And there you have it.

Fun story, in order to get my mom's new address and let her know I was sending her a package without giving away the surprise I told her I was sending her Easter decorations. She had NO idea it was a baby announcement. She thought the box was nice and was 100% expecting to open it and find some Easter poem or something of that sort so she was really shocked. I'm not good at surprises so I was really proud of how good I fooled her.

I had some left over supplies so I sent out letters to other family members and close friends that I thought would appreciate getting a physical announcement. Each had a personal note written inside along with roughly the same contents as inside the box, minus the rocks, and were sent out in pink envelopes with a pink bow glued to the back.

I had a lot of fun making everything and our families loved them.

The experience was also healing. I have had a lot of fear this pregnancy that something would go wrong and my fears prevented me from feeling connected to the baby and being excited. I kept saying things like, "after this date, or that test I will know that this pregnancy is legit and then I'll be happy," but that didn't make things very fun or leave much room for hope. Making these boxes (and also getting the news that all our tests came back clear and baby girl is healthy mid-process) helped bring the peace I needed in order to relax and enjoy this wonderful time in my life.

Now I am filled with joy, hope, and love, and it's only getting better.

Happy News

Kevin and I are going to be parents (again)! I'm in my 20th week of pregnancy and due late September. We're expecting a healthy little girl and so far pregnancy has been great!

Our tiny T-Rex at 9 weeks

Our baby girl at 12 weeks

Kevin and I have been so grateful for all of the love and support we have received this past year. Thank you for the prayers, shoulders to cry on, blessings, meals, movie nights, and all the other wonderful things y'all have done for us. We're very lucky to have you in our lives and we're excited for you to be a part of our daughter's life as well.

"I will turn their mourning into joy, and will comfort them, 
and make them rejoice from their sorrow." Jeremiah 31:13

Baby Sarai

Born at 5:07am on October 16, 2013. She weighed 5.5 ounces and was 7 inches long. We know we will meet her again, but she is sorely missed. 

"Her absence is like the sky, spread over everything." C.S. Lewis 

"Weeping may endure for a night, but joy cometh in the morning." Psalms 30:5

Holding Down the Fort

Kevin and I went to our gender ultrasound yesterday. I was so wound up I couldn’t sleep the night before. I was terrified, but while taking a hot shower to calm my nerves an overwhelming feeling of peace came over me, and I couldn’t shake the thought, “after tomorrow, you won’t have to worry.”

When we got there, the first thing the ultrasound tech said was, “Things aren’t right. I need to get the doctor. I’ll be right back.” Now, I have read a lot of scary stories of women being told something is wrong at an ultrasound, going in a couple weeks later, and learning that whatever it was resolved itself, so I tried not to panic because I do so much of that on my own already. I thought this would probably be another one of those cases.

I was wrong.

Doctor walked in and gave us the bad news right away. Baby is not going to make it. Baby has abnormalities incompatible with life, trisomy 13 or 18, and is already on it's little way to the other side.

I sure know how to pick when not to worry, right?

We had an in-depth ultrasound with a specialist today to confirm all of my OB’s findings. We got to see Baby’s perfect, tiny little toes, its tiny hands, and all its beauty. We also got to see everything that was wrong, and how our perfect baby’s body was failing them.

Baby is in zero pain, which was our top priority, but is leaving us quickly. I go back in on Monday for another follow-up ultrasound and to schedule our sweet baby’s removal.

It has been hard.

Surprisingly, I still can’t shake the thought that I don’t have to worry anymore. We have moments of confusion and shock, and we have both shed a lot of tears, but there is no anger. It was nothing we did, and there was nothing we could have done. It is what it is. If it wasn’t us, it would have happened to someone else. It has happened to couples before us, and it will continue to happen to couples in the future.

It’s our turn for a mountain to climb, but we will conquer. There is light. Baby is going to be in better hands, in a better place, and will eventually receive a perfect body. We aren’t losing this baby forever; only for a time. We will come out of this on top.

Kevin and I are alright.

It is still hard and we could use all of your prayers (we could also use all your best distractions, jokes, and lists of movies that induce tears or laughter). Thank you for all of the love and support you have already given us-- Our hearts have been filled with gratitude.

And with that I leave you with the words of Isaiah,

"Behold, God is my salvation; I will trust, and not be afraid: for the Lord JEHOVAH is my strength and my song; he also is become my salvation." Isaiah 12:2

I Don't Want To Build Cities Unless They're In Space...

"Make the decision, make it with confidence, and the world will be yours." --Jaren L. Davis

I will be making my final major change in December when I transfer to Brigham Young University. 

After one silly astronomy class I have decided to aim for the moon (and beyond). My options are optical, mechanical, or aerospace engineering and/or physics. It’s the only major I have picked so far that really makes me feel good. Other than being worried about all the math tutoring I’m going to need, I feel at peace. It’s weird how a field that once sounded so scary now makes me feel confident and secure. The call has come and I'm answering. 

 Aim high or go home, right?