"Reality is not neat, not obvious,
not what you expect."
C.S. Lewis
There are two holidays coming up this weekend that are always fraught with emotion; Birth Mother's and Mother's Day.
Both are bittersweet for many (or plain bitter).
For those of you who don't know, Birth Mother's Day is celebrated the Saturday before Mother's Day. I think it's obvious why this holiday is difficult for those it affects. It's a topic I generally try to avoid if I don't really know someone because there are strong opinions on both sides and it's extremely emotionally charged. ***If this holiday does upset you, proceed with caution.***
I recently asked a dear friend of mine, another birthmom, how she felt about Birth Mother's Day and the fact that it's not celebrated the same day as Mother's Day. She said, "It doesn't really bother me. I've always looked at it as Birth Mother's Day comes first because we were their mother first." I've never personally had an issue with Birth Mother's Day existing or being on a different day than Mother's Day, but I think her perspective is beautiful and it helped me appreciate the holiday even more. Thanks, friend!
The issue I've had with both holidays is that they can be, and have been, painful. In my experience post placement, before I had children of my own, I felt stuck in limbo. On Birth Mother's and Mother's Day I wanted to be remembered, but I simultaneously didn't want to remember, and I didn't know how I wanted to be remembered. I wanted to be a mother and was wrestling with feeling like a mother, but not really, and that was greatly exasperating. It was complicated, to say the least.
I thought those feelings would go away once Mr. P and I were fortunate enough to have children of our own, but that didn't abolish them. It's different for sure, but something peculiar still remains.
In his book Ender's Game, Orson Scott Card writes:
Both are bittersweet for many (or plain bitter).
For those of you who don't know, Birth Mother's Day is celebrated the Saturday before Mother's Day. I think it's obvious why this holiday is difficult for those it affects. It's a topic I generally try to avoid if I don't really know someone because there are strong opinions on both sides and it's extremely emotionally charged. ***If this holiday does upset you, proceed with caution.***
I recently asked a dear friend of mine, another birthmom, how she felt about Birth Mother's Day and the fact that it's not celebrated the same day as Mother's Day. She said, "It doesn't really bother me. I've always looked at it as Birth Mother's Day comes first because we were their mother first." I've never personally had an issue with Birth Mother's Day existing or being on a different day than Mother's Day, but I think her perspective is beautiful and it helped me appreciate the holiday even more. Thanks, friend!
The issue I've had with both holidays is that they can be, and have been, painful. In my experience post placement, before I had children of my own, I felt stuck in limbo. On Birth Mother's and Mother's Day I wanted to be remembered, but I simultaneously didn't want to remember, and I didn't know how I wanted to be remembered. I wanted to be a mother and was wrestling with feeling like a mother, but not really, and that was greatly exasperating. It was complicated, to say the least.
I thought those feelings would go away once Mr. P and I were fortunate enough to have children of our own, but that didn't abolish them. It's different for sure, but something peculiar still remains.
In his book Ender's Game, Orson Scott Card writes:
". . . some people say they have a feeling of something missing. You'll keep looking
around for something, something you were looking for, but you can't find it,
and you can't remember what it is. So I'll tell you. It's the monitor you're
looking for, and it isn't there. In a few days that feeling will pass."
I feel like that's a pretty accurate description of how it feels to be a birthmom for me sometimes, only the feeling doesn't pass after a few days. It's not necessarily bad and fortunately it's not constant, but it is does linger.
I do think the experience of adoption is getting better as a whole. There's been a lot of improvement in the adoption world and there are many great men and women who are working hard to constantly improve the lives of all those involved. In my group of adoption friends, we commiserate on Birth Mother's Day. It's bittersweet and we like to support each other. Some years there seems to be more pain and tears shared, but we always celebrate the lives of the children we placed, their families, and the relationships we've gained along the way. There's something healing about talking freely with other women (and men) who understand the vicissitudes of placement. There's A LOT of love.
"Love is unselfishly choosing for another's highest good." C.S. Lewis
Mother's Day can be equally difficult and I believe that's becoming more obvious as well. Not all mothers get to hold all, or any, of their children on Mother's Day. Not all women who want to be mothers have children yet due to infertility or various other reasons. Not everyone has a good relationship with their mother (or their children). Some mothers, old and young, have passed away. The list goes on.
Let us honor the women who have their children in their arms, those who have lost children, those who want children, and the mothers who have passed on.
Depending on who you talk to, I'm either still pre-term, early-term, or full-term now. I'll take either one. I thought my next appointment was tomorrow, but turns out it was this morning! Baby J looks perfectly healthy, is measuring a week ahead, and is officially head down! Woohoo!
How far along: 36 weeks. 28 days to go and I'm in "get this baby out" mode. You want to go walking with me me? Hiking? Know of any good, long staircases I can climb?
Sleep: Yes, please. I'm still sleeping soundly at night, but most days I feel like I need a nap around noon. The nap doesn't always happen, but the nighttime sleep does, thank goodness.
Movement: I think he wants out. I'm cool with that.
Cravings: Nothing really, but I ate my weight in delicious Indian food and ice cream for my birthday yesterday so that could be why. I could go for more Indian food, but I think that's a me thing and not related to pregnancy.
Symptoms: Heartburn if I eat too much. I use the restroom a lot. Holding it has become risky.
Belly button: Half and half some days and I love it!
Signs of labor: Sort of, but nothing serious. False labor signs. I know I still have plenty of time left.
Worst moment of the week: Probably peeing my pants. Yeah, that sounds about right.
Best moment of the week: My birthday and the ultrasound today. We got adorable photos of J sucking on his fingers and I love him.
What I'm looking forward to: Zoo this weekend and my next appointment which is only a week away since I officially go weekly now!
Size of baby: Baby J is now about 6-6 1/2 lbs and could be more than 18 1/2 inches long, about the size of a head of romaine lettuce (or a papaya or honeydew melon again). Since he's measuring a week ahead he might be bigger. I really have no idea.
How far along: 36 weeks. 28 days to go and I'm in "get this baby out" mode. You want to go walking with me me? Hiking? Know of any good, long staircases I can climb?
Sleep: Yes, please. I'm still sleeping soundly at night, but most days I feel like I need a nap around noon. The nap doesn't always happen, but the nighttime sleep does, thank goodness.
Movement: I think he wants out. I'm cool with that.
Cravings: Nothing really, but I ate my weight in delicious Indian food and ice cream for my birthday yesterday so that could be why. I could go for more Indian food, but I think that's a me thing and not related to pregnancy.
Symptoms: Heartburn if I eat too much. I use the restroom a lot. Holding it has become risky.
Belly button: Half and half some days and I love it!
Signs of labor: Sort of, but nothing serious. False labor signs. I know I still have plenty of time left.
Worst moment of the week: Probably peeing my pants. Yeah, that sounds about right.
Best moment of the week: My birthday and the ultrasound today. We got adorable photos of J sucking on his fingers and I love him.
What I'm looking forward to: Zoo this weekend and my next appointment which is only a week away since I officially go weekly now!
Size of baby: Baby J is now about 6-6 1/2 lbs and could be more than 18 1/2 inches long, about the size of a head of romaine lettuce (or a papaya or honeydew melon again). Since he's measuring a week ahead he might be bigger. I really have no idea.
Milestones: Baby J's systems are pretty much mature at this point and he's working on perfecting them. Every day he stays in the better. Lanugo and vernix caseosa are shedding. The end is near.
The Bump:
The Bump:
Over n' out. Love y'all.
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